Posted by todd
Wed, 23 Jan 2008 08:04:00 GMT
No really.. I'm back! I'm single again, the girl moved out, and I've been traveling the world. We will catch up later but for now I want to share something I pretty much copied from the Internet. I'm not allowed to say the name of the site I got it from though so I can't give credit. I'm going to write some more later but this cracked me up for some reason.
Some guy's interpretation of every girl he's ever dated.
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...
Tags breakups, travel | 2 comments
Posted by todd
Wed, 19 Jul 2006 02:32:00 GMT
Well folks, I'm single again.
I don't have anything bad to say at all. She is a beautiful, intelligent, and 100% sane woman (unusual for me!). You won't be reading any crazy stories about her.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
Em, I know you read this site. I'm going to start posting here again eventually, so please stop reading if it will upset you.
PS. Everybody read the bar over on the right hand side! Help me fix my dumb broken template! Apparently I'm a lover, not an xHTML guy.
-Todd
Tags breakups, dating, girlfriends | 5 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by todd
Tue, 13 Sep 2005 19:28:00 GMT
AKA: Not getting any, got one, and got them all over my floor.
So, Gun Girl is officially gone.. Probably for good. That's life.
I'm officially Bachelor Todd again! This isn't really a good thing for me, nor what I wanted, but at least my stories will get more interesting again. It's all about YOU isn't it! You self serving bastards.
Like any real guy knows, after a breakup there are three things you must immediately do to get back into the swing of things.
1. Get blind drunk. When you can't move the next day due to a crushing hangover, you won't think about her as much.
2. Get pimped out and go hit on women. Even if they shoot you down, it gets you back into the game. This is a work in progress, and given the state of my haircut, I'm confident I'll get shot down.
3. Rent a Saxophone. Ok fine.. #3 isn't standard, but screw you it's my story.
Step 1 was easily accomplished, twice actually. Night 1 with my bartender friends, who fed me entirely too much Sambuca.(note: bartenders will hurt you if they know you live next door and aren't driving anywhere) Night 2 was with my friends that own/work for adult oriented companies (Welcome to San Diego). With those guys, their entire life is basically a big party, which really makes it hard for me to compete. After about 5 rounds of shots, my better judgment got to me and I retreated home, not to leave the couch until Monday.
Step 2, as I said, is a work in progress.
Let me walk you through the thought process that caused Step 3:
- Being single, I don't have much else to do. (10 hours/day on the computer is enough)
- It's healthier than drinking.
- It has lots of buttons on it, making it the closest instrument to a keyboard.. well, other than a keyboard. I type absurdly fast so it's sort of natural.
- At the very least I can squeal back at the bums when they bother me at night.
- A secret: I played Cello for many years growing up, even for the junior philharmonic a bit... until I quit during my death metal days. (Metallica stole that shit from ME!)
After spending an hour or so in the parking garage, I could play notes confidently enough that the cat wouldn't throw himself out the window. Don't get me wrong, I'm TERRIBLE... but at least now it doesn't just screech.
Now all I need is a blues song, and I'll be all set.. Lets try that.
The Bachelor Blues:
My baby done left me on Thursday.
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
She said she just needed to think.
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
My living room floor is all littered with socks,
and the laundry turned all my shirts pink.
The kitchen still smells like a fireplace.
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
I can't even look at the sink.
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
The bums are outside, playing ride sally ride,
so I guess that I'd better go drink.
I've got the.....
no lovin...
burnt oven...
not scrubbin...
bum buggin...
I got the bachelor blues.
Well Tonya served me up a strong one,
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
For good measure she had one herself.
(dun dun dun duh duh!)
Some scary lady, had her good eye on me,
but beside her I looked like an elf.
I've got the blues... I've got the bachelor blues.
-T-Bone
(Ok, so there should probably be at least one more verse, but I'm lazy.. So you make it up)
Posted in Girlfriends | Tags bastards, blues, breakups, drinking, gun girl | 15 comments | no trackbacks
