Posted by todd
Fri, 29 Dec 2006 07:41:00 GMT
AKA: Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I understand you :)
Note: These stories were half written while I was in Japan & half not.. so I'm only pseudo-live :)
As the most active (and only)member of the Bachelors Guide to Travel (Which I really need to create), welcome to the Bachelors Guide to Japan, Part 1; What Not To Do.
Japan is an amazing country, and a great place to visit if you want to experience culture far outside of the American/European norm. That being said it's important to know how to behave yourself. These people have swords(in movies).
While In Japan DO NOT:
1. Buy the monkey.
Pet stores in Japan are similar to a pet store you'd be likely to see in a movie involving wizards. Sure, they have dogs and cats (Wizards like those too) but they also have animals I didn't know even existed. (You can also find these in the Japanese grocery store... in a different format.)
There was a very excitable spider monkey (I think) in the front window basically running up and down the cage.
He was cool but somehow it seemed better to leave him there in the store. I know, I know... a relatively large, geeky white guy wandering Japan with his pet spider monkey would be a chick magnet; however I'm taken.. and he looked like the poop flinging type. Also, do not try to take a picture of these monkeys or the owner will get upset, and the monkey will get screechy. (remember... swords)
Continuing through the pet store.....do not....
2. Buy the tiny monkey instead, his head is small but his teeth are not.
Honestly I'm not even 100% sure this was a monkey, but he was way calmer than monkey #1. This one would have fit in my backpack.... a "Traveling Monkey" if you will. As I walked up he yawned though and his teeth seemed roughly as big as his head (reminds me of a girl from highschool), making this type of monkey no damn good... and plus he wouldn't look at me. Every time you try to get this little bastards attention they turn their backs to you. The bitch of monkeys.
3. Buy THIS THING:
'Nuff Said.
4. Think that you will eat anything remotely normal to you.
I'll go into this feature of Japan in greater detail in a later chapter, but it can even trick seasoned bachelors on vacation... so it's worth mentioning.
Several days into your Japan experience, you will likely begin to miss the food you are used to eating. Do not be fooled by locals offering to point you to resteraunts serving "hamburgers", or "chicken". Like many things, important things are lost in translation.
At some point an agreement was reached, presumably at the UN, to ensure the highly volatile chicken market didn't spin out of control. Think of the effects on the United States economy if a chicken wing shortage were to break out during football season! Completely unacceptable.
Anyway.... to keep George Bush from accidently invading Texas... WAITAMINUTE!!! It all makes sense now. Oil and chicken farms!
I'm getting offtopic. Back to the matter at hand.
At the end of the day, all the "good" parts of a chicken seem to be consumed in the United States, leaving Japan with the rest. Do not be fooled into thinking that you can order a random chicken dish without understanding Japanese!!! During my stay I was delivered:
a) A kabob type dish(Yakitori) consisting of some sort of root, chicken liver (I think), and.... wait for it.... not kidding..... CHICKEN BONE. CHICKEN BONE WHICH WAS EATEN(although not by me).
b) A "hamburger" made out of pork. (Ok fine, they have us on that one).
c) Raw horse meat served sashimi style (to be discussed later, so stay tuned).
5. Believe that you will be able to use an ATM 24 hours/day.
In a country known for it's extensive use of robots, mobile phones, and animated pornography you might think that an ATM machine wouldn't be difficult to find. You (and I) would be wrong.
Now don't get me wrong.... there ARE ATM machines you can use with a US card. You simply can't use them after 5PM or on a holiday.
It's my personal belief that the Samauri were not truly defeated by the advent of guns as you might think from American films. They simply were too slow and jingly by being weighed down by the pounds of Yen required to survive in Japan. You can't compete against a ninja like that... cmon!
You can buy cigarettes, beer, HOT coffee in a can, and rumor has it ladies UNDERWEAR in vending machines all over the country.
Just keep in mind that those aren't homeless people you see begging on the streets...
They are simply waiting for the banks to open after the 4 day New Years holiday.
Stay tuned for more...
-Todd
Posted in Travel, Bachelor Guides | Tags bachelor, japan, monkeys, travel | 23 comments
Posted by todd
Sun, 22 May 2005 16:10:00 GMT
AKA: Ouch.
If you are a guy, or perhaps, have seen one, you have probably noticed they have a common problem. Guys do not go to the doctor, usually until they fall over and a woman takes them there.
I know, I know.. this isn't exactly groundbreaking news but still, lets look at a few case studies in wounded-guy stupidity.
* My buddy Jeff hurt his ankle so bad once that he needed to basically be carried out of the woods. To this day we don't know if he fractured it or just sprained it, and he certianly isn't going to find out.
*I've personally dislocated my shoulder, twice, and still have no plans to do anything about it. (It went back in, what else were they going to do?!)
The current winner though:
*My friend Jay Tekotte, who is only alive today because his wife forced him to go to the emergency room after being bitten by a copperhead snake. Left on his own, he would have died slamming Busch Lite to numb the pain. Busch Lite people!
We are not smart.
That being said, this story is being written while I'm on large amounts of Vicodin and not one, but TWO antibiotics. I'm not sure what inspired me to go, but I just got back from the doctor.
Ok that's a lie, I know *exactly* what inspired me
It was the feeling that my head may actually explode, combined with a strange buzzing sound, and topped off with the fact that both my eardrums started leaking fluid profusely. (note for other men: When your ears begin to leak copious amounts of liquid, it isn't your brains coming out, but you might want to consider seeing someone anyway.)
It's just a really bad middle ear infection, and it's entirely my fault, but I *almost* got away without the doctor. See, about a month ago I developed a nasty cold, but cmon people! I'm a busy man! I don't have time for all this, "getting better" and "not having my eardrums break" stuff; I've got things to do! Important things!
So like all men, I self medicated. Lots of vitamins, less beer, NyQuil. I was really almost better (well, or so I thought). Even last night when my ears started hurting I didn't give up hope.
In true Macgyver style I fashioned an improvised heating pad out of several chemical heat wraps that I stuck to the inside of my pillow. It worked great, and I even fell asleep! (that is, until my ears exploded, which was strangely loud. Next time I will have to build a sound dampening system into my heating pad; this will involve pen caps.)
So, why is it that men are so stupid about doctors? Is it because we think they don't really know what they are talking about? Or is it because we'd rather just not know as long as it doesn't get worse? Or maybe it's just some deep issue with some guy sticking you with things and them generally being assholes?
Yes, those are all true, but personally it's because I'd much rather play Lethal Weapon and smash my own shoulder back into place than have some guy shine a light up my nose before doing the same exact thing. What does my nose have to do with a shoulder anyway damnit!
Now, if only I could build a drainage device to collect all this leakage into a soda bottle.. That would rule!
Ps. I'm totally growing a Macgyver Mullet now. Ladies, here I come.
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 1 comment | 70 trackbacks
Posted by todd
Sun, 10 Apr 2005 14:53:00 GMT
If you've ever worked in the construction industry you quickly come to understand that a large part of your job involves repeatedly injuring yourself. Now, I'm not talking about major injuries here; I'm talking about the standard cuts and scrapes associated with carrying around heavy sharp things all day.
In theory, this is an easy problem to fix. Gloves. They even make gloves with special "I hate smashing my fingers" guards, but I've never heard of anyone actually wearing them. See, construction is a very fashionable industry and they don't want to look bad, fingers be damned!
Even among construction workers, my father has a particularly strong dislike for his fingers.
He hates them.
Seriously.
If they ever want to update that shop class safety movie they scare all the highschool kids with, they should just follow him around for awhile. I have seen him drill a hole in his thumbnail, ON PURPOSE, to relieve the pressure after smashing his thumb with a hammer. See, he's a busy man, he doesn't have time for these "gloves", or "doctors", or "not cutting off his fingers". He's got houses to build damnit!
So I'm driving home from work the other night and I get a call from my dad. Nothing unusual, he tends to call around that time, so I ask him what's going on back home. "Well not much, I just cut off part of my finger.". *needle scratches off the record*. You WHAT?! This didn't even seem to bother him. It was as if he had picked up a gallon of milk at the store. I still need to call one of my brothers to confirm the amount of finger he removed, but it at least involved stitches.
I can count on one hand (mine, not his) the number of times that I've injured myself badly enough that stitches were in order. Except for accidents when I was a small child (meaning: too small to cover up the accident), I never went to the doctor either. It's just a man reaction.
The rational response to bleeding profusely is to go have someone professional fix it. The 15 year old boy response is to repeatedly hold snow until it turns pink, numbing your hand, and then squeezing it until the bleeding stops. Apply bandaids and hide from mother until the infection subsides.
At least scars make you look tough. Tetanus isn't so bad either. Lockjaw is great for keeping your weight down and fun for the whole family!
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 2 comments | 69 trackbacks
Posted by todd
Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:06:00 GMT
AKA: Mexican girls are cute.
The first time you go out with someone you met in a bar, is always a strange experience. You don't know the person, hell you might not even *remember* the person. All you remember is giving your number to some girl you were vaguely talking to, and suddenly you wind up getting text messages from the Mistress of the Dark. It happens all the time.
Now, getting text messages from Elvira explained a few things. Why did I have a prick mark on my hand? Why have I been being followed by large bats? This isn't Fear and Loathing damnit!
Elvira turned out to be a really pretty mexican woman, with perfectly normal hair. Her name in spanish is something like Elviera, but it translates humerously.
On a first date, it is never a good thing to laugh out loud if the woman doesn't know what you are laughing at. Unfortunately, it is often the case that I think things are funny that other people do not. A recurring event in my life has been hearing this: "This isn't funny jerk, I'm being serious!". Funny to you? Perhaps not.
At any rate, whenever Elvira said MY name I had flashbacks Bruce Willis's girl in Pulp Fiction. (picture her saying she wants "a pot") I couldn't help myself. Everytime she would say Todd, I would say "a pot". For some reason I think she found that strange. I never explained, and she never called me on it because she likely thought I had said something she should understand.
The date actually went really well other than the fact that I'm not Catholic and don't speak spanish. With that in mind I'll share my new sure fire way to meet women in a bar.
Step 1: Wear a suit coat. (the rest of the suit is unneccassary, you can even wear a tank top underneath it if you can fake a Eurotrash accent). You just need to not look like a frat boy.
Step 2: Stand around talking to your phone geek buddies about cell phones, with your cell phone out.
Step 3: When cute girls ask what you are doing, reply "getting your phone number". I swear it works.
It's perfect! It's a reverse pickup line! They come to you so they are totally offguard!
You can even cut a tin can with it!
Buenos tardes.
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 1 comment | no trackbacks
Posted by todd
Tue, 14 Dec 2004 19:20:55 GMT
If it's true that you can tell a lot about a person by what they drink, then there are a lot of "skinny pirates" in California. My opinion, is that if you order a rum and diet coke, you should be immediately removed from the bar. If you are a MAN and order that drink, you should be forced to stay, and wear a fuzzy pink eyepatch while you drink it.
In the old days, a martini was considered a manly drink; largely because James Bond drank them. Unfortunately, if James Bond ordered one today he would almost certainly be captured (temporarily) before the bartender finished shaking the fifteen different fruits together for his Flirtini. Alas, women now own the martini. In my opinion, they can keep them because lets face it, everybody wins when women drink Cosmos.
This only leaves a few drinks other than beer that a man can drink without being looked down upon. These drinks are Scotch on the rocks, and the Gin and Tonic.
Scotch is the drink of the intelligent drunk. It invokes thoughts of smoking rooms, Irish Setters (yes, I know that Scotch is not from Ireland.. I don't make the rules.), and of course massive, massive intoxication. It is the manliest of educated drinks. I mean, 151 is clearly more manly, but there isn't anything intelligent about it.
Scotch should be your drink of choice, except in bars where college age women are present. This is a special case. Ever feed a baby a lemon? It's fun! This is exactly how college girls react to Scotch. They think they want to try it, taste it, and then make funny faces.
On the other hand, babies LOVE Gin and Tonic! Now you know.
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 5 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by todd
Wed, 01 Dec 2004 19:06:57 GMT
AKA: Don't tell a bald barber you want your hair cut "short", and other wisdom.
I got my haircut during lunch today, and I went to a new barber. I may have underestimated my proximity to the naval base, because I now look like I should be holding a rifle. I did run around yelling "YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH" for a bit, which made it ok. However, next time I will be sure to specify what "short" means.
I have a deep seated distrust for people with scissors. This is mostly due to the fact that I used to date hairdressers. On the upside, hey, free haircuts! On the downside, you instantly know where your relationship stands whenever you look in the mirror.
For instance, Angie cut my hair for years. Typically, she would cut my hair very nicely, so I looked as good as possible when we went out together. Sort of like getting your car washed. Unfortunately we argued quite a bit and my head was the barometer of love. In hindsight I should have known when to bring an umbrella. Once she bleached my hair WHITE... And then dumped me. Another time, convinced me to shave my head razor bald... And then dumped me (pattern, anyone?) :) I am certain she told her friends "lets see that ass get a date NOW!", at which point they would giggle and read their tarot cards.
Which brings me to my next bit of advice which is, don't ever let your girlfriend/wife/whatever read your tarot cards. Besides being silly, it will also lead you into conversations you don't want to have.
See, Tarot cards are designed such that you can read whatever you want into them. A good psychic will ask you questions in such a way that the cards will seem to tell you something. An angry woman will ask you questions in such a way that the cards will seem to tell you that you are an asshole.
"Ooooh, the king of cups, reversed.... This means you are hiding something and you should just admit it."... "OOOh.. the 5 of Pentacles... Unrequited love." (haven't bought her flowers lately, HAVE YOU!). I'm sure you see where I'm going.
Since my last date was with a lawyer, I'm totally screwed... Aren't I?
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 3 comments | 70 trackbacks
Posted by todd
Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:54:38 GMT
AKA: There is something floating in my drink...Eh, Oh well.
Living alone has its disadvantages. You don't get to eat home cooked meals, as you certainly don't cook them. You don't have someone to sit around and keep you company when it's lousy weather, and.... Perhaps some tax related stuff? Really that's about it. Luckily where I live there is no lousy weather, and I can get mashed potatoes at a restaurant.
On the upside, you can get away with a type of lazy that married men only dream of being.
This is no joke, I just drank 75% of a glass of water that was full of some strange sediment resembling sea monkey powder. My theory is I somehow corrupted my ice cubes (with unfiltered water, not sea monkeys). Luckily whatever it was turned out to be heavier than water so I just continued to sit on the couch for a minute until it settled, and then drank around them. See, I'm a busy guy.. I don't have time for all this "getting up off the couch", and "pouring new water" stuff!
People who live alone also get to eat foods which are unavailable to married people, or those who have kids. Stale foods. As an example, Double Stuff Oreos are best when sqooshy. You can't *buy* them like that; you have to make them yourself. The opposite is true with Marshmallow Peeps. They are best when you could knock someone out with it. In general, if the consistency of food isn't quite to your liking, just leave the box open for a week and try again. IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not try this with wine, or any liquid other than water.
Trust me, it won't go your way.
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 10 comments | 69 trackbacks
Posted by todd
Fri, 10 Sep 2004 19:45:11 GMT
This was my actual apartment for several weeks.
Introduction:
If you are like me, when you move into a new apartment/house/office/couch it feels a bit like an asylum. (not that I go to those...*nervous laugh*) The white walls, the extreme light caused by functioning lightbulbs everywhere, the cleanliness; it all begins to wear on you pretty quickly. The lightbulb issue will sort itself out after about 600 hours, but to solve this white wall problem action is required.
Things You Need:
1. Alcohol.
2. Pictures,Posters etc...
3. Something to drive nails. For the most fun, you want one of those powder actuated "fastening tools". These things are great! They are basically steel pipes that fire a .22 caliber shell, minus the bullet. They SHOOT NAILS into ANYTHING including concrete, steel, or your foot. In a pinch a frying pan will also work, and is less likely to make you deaf.
4. Nails or nail like substances.
5. Someone to tell you the pictures are crooked.
Now you might be tempted to ask a woman you know to come help you with number 5. I've tried this myself. While it *is* a fairly surefire way to convince a woman to actually step foot in your apartment, you will wind up spending way more time moving pictures around than you had envisioned. Get your buddy to come over instead. He won't give a damn where you put the pictures, and you can always call the girl to come see later.
Installation:
Once you have everything you need, start hammering. I try to put big pictures off by themselves, and bunches of little ones together as if they were bits of a larger picture. In fact, if you want you can just smash a big picture into little bits and hang that. Have your buddy, who is by this point painfully drunk, tell you when they are straight.
Validation:
After you are out of things to hang, step back and look at your creation. Still crooked as hell isn't it? The building must not be level. Drink conspicuously and move the pictures back and forth until you are out of booze. From this point forward deny that the pictures aren't straight.
It still beats white walls.
Posted in Bachelor Guides, Best Of Bachelor Todd | 1 comment | no trackbacks
