Bachelors Guide to Japan, Part 1.
Posted by todd Fri, 29 Dec 2006 07:41:00 GMT
AKA: Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I understand you :)
Note: These stories were half written while I was in Japan & half not.. so I'm only pseudo-live :)
As the most active (and only)member of the Bachelors Guide to Travel (Which I really need to create), welcome to the Bachelors Guide to Japan, Part 1; What Not To Do.
Japan is an amazing country, and a great place to visit if you want to experience culture far outside of the American/European norm. That being said it's important to know how to behave yourself. These people have swords(in movies).
While In Japan DO NOT:
1. Buy the monkey.
Pet stores in Japan are similar to a pet store you'd be likely to see in a movie involving wizards. Sure, they have dogs and cats (Wizards like those too) but they also have animals I didn't know even existed. (You can also find these in the Japanese grocery store... in a different format.)
There was a very excitable spider monkey (I think) in the front window basically running up and down the cage.
He was cool but somehow it seemed better to leave him there in the store. I know, I know... a relatively large, geeky white guy wandering Japan with his pet spider monkey would be a chick magnet; however I'm taken.. and he looked like the poop flinging type. Also, do not try to take a picture of these monkeys or the owner will get upset, and the monkey will get screechy. (remember... swords)
Continuing through the pet store.....do not....
2. Buy the tiny monkey instead, his head is small but his teeth are not.
Honestly I'm not even 100% sure this was a monkey, but he was way calmer than monkey #1. This one would have fit in my backpack.... a "Traveling Monkey" if you will. As I walked up he yawned though and his teeth seemed roughly as big as his head (reminds me of a girl from highschool), making this type of monkey no damn good... and plus he wouldn't look at me. Every time you try to get this little bastards attention they turn their backs to you. The bitch of monkeys.
3. Buy THIS THING:
'Nuff Said.
4. Think that you will eat anything remotely normal to you.
I'll go into this feature of Japan in greater detail in a later chapter, but it can even trick seasoned bachelors on vacation... so it's worth mentioning.
Several days into your Japan experience, you will likely begin to miss the food you are used to eating. Do not be fooled by locals offering to point you to resteraunts serving "hamburgers", or "chicken". Like many things, important things are lost in translation.
At some point an agreement was reached, presumably at the UN, to ensure the highly volatile chicken market didn't spin out of control. Think of the effects on the United States economy if a chicken wing shortage were to break out during football season! Completely unacceptable.
Anyway.... to keep George Bush from accidently invading Texas... WAITAMINUTE!!! It all makes sense now. Oil and chicken farms!
I'm getting offtopic. Back to the matter at hand.
At the end of the day, all the "good" parts of a chicken seem to be consumed in the United States, leaving Japan with the rest. Do not be fooled into thinking that you can order a random chicken dish without understanding Japanese!!! During my stay I was delivered:
a) A kabob type dish(Yakitori) consisting of some sort of root, chicken liver (I think), and.... wait for it.... not kidding..... CHICKEN BONE. CHICKEN BONE WHICH WAS EATEN(although not by me).
b) A "hamburger" made out of pork. (Ok fine, they have us on that one).
c) Raw horse meat served sashimi style (to be discussed later, so stay tuned).
5. Believe that you will be able to use an ATM 24 hours/day.
In a country known for it's extensive use of robots, mobile phones, and animated pornography you might think that an ATM machine wouldn't be difficult to find. You (and I) would be wrong.
Now don't get me wrong.... there ARE ATM machines you can use with a US card. You simply can't use them after 5PM or on a holiday.
It's my personal belief that the Samauri were not truly defeated by the advent of guns as you might think from American films. They simply were too slow and jingly by being weighed down by the pounds of Yen required to survive in Japan. You can't compete against a ninja like that... cmon!
You can buy cigarettes, beer, HOT coffee in a can, and rumor has it ladies UNDERWEAR in vending machines all over the country.
Just keep in mind that those aren't homeless people you see begging on the streets...
They are simply waiting for the banks to open after the 4 day New Years holiday.
Stay tuned for more...
-Todd
I can't believe you didn't bring me a monkey!
What is that pink and white slimy thing with the buggy eyes? Was this one of the pet store items, or a grocery store item? Either way, I wouldn't buy it, either. Vanessa
It's apparently a salamander.. that's all I know.
i cant believe u live the life..a bachelor will think off.. without all that F***ing bitches.. n i will keep in mind all u advices for japan..if i travel there someday.. although m frm india .. so not that difficult for me to understand that culture
Interesting reading. Looking forward to updates.
Arigato gozaimasu :)
come on, bachelor todd. it's time. :)
Wow, that thing looks like of cool. You call it a salamander? Hehe. Looks way diffrent that a salamander. But, hey it's awesome. Keep up the great work ;0.
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I'm not really sure, but in that top most picture of you, it almost looks like your wearing a ninja outfit.. I've always wondered, do those funny two toe shoes hurt?
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My brother and his wife lived in Thailand a few years back (my sister-in-law is Thai). They had a rhesus monkey as a pet. The monkey had a crush on my brother and used to pinch my sister-in-law if she sat next to my brother on the couch, My sister-in-law and the monkey would both get all glammed up before my brother got home from work, lipstick, nail polish etc.
I love your blog. You are hilarious!! I really needed a good laugh tonight, and you delivered. Thanks!
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the thing is called an axolotl and it is a type of salamander 99% of axolotls live in labs. the can re generate thier legs. they are only native to mexico. they stay the same way as they were born throughout thier lives unless they are taken out of water or given idoine they are very interesting. if you want to read more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axolotl
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Oh there cool. Mexician walking fish. I have one (^_^)